10-26-2011
“I wish I never felt the influence of you.”
You are so intoxicating. Even long after your body had touched mine I can still smell you on me. I treasure each whiff as though you are a rare drug. It physically hurts to be away from you. My body longs for your presence. When I am with you, the world seems to be at a standstill. Nothing else can break this spell you have over me.
Except you.
You tell me that this is not what you want. Crack. You tell me that you want something else. Crack. You tell me that you are being the good guy. Craaaaaaaaaaaaack. The dam just broke. Here comes a flood of tears. And you are nowhere to be seen or heard.
Drowning.
It is quiet now. Calm. I no longer yearn for you. I have gone cold turkey. You have given me no other choice but it is one I thank you for. I no longer remember your voice or your touch. And then it is too quiet. I try to fill the void with meaningless babble. I may have been succeeding, I cannot recall anymore. For this was the moment you decided to speak. Reach out. And like a moth to a flame I was drawn to you.
Fire.
It was almost instantaneous. We tried to resist the calling. But neither of us were strong enough to stop it. Trying to breathe deeply to calm my nerves only ended in me inhaling your scent and clouding my mind. Fueled by intoxication we let our nature succumb us. As clearly as I see you, I see myself. I see the spell as though it were a heavy blanket surrounding us. Why are we so blind?
Darkness.
The sun shines brightly. The birds chirp and in the distance I can hear the children play. A light breeze enters the window and for a second I am reminded of home. Why is it so dark? Sleep overcomes me like a heavy blanket being laid onto my body.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Friday, October 15, 2010
You like it here
10/15/2010
In the darkness, she panics.
He tried to guide her but she wouldn't leave.
"I like it here," she said.
So he tried and tried to get her to leave.
She insisted on staying.
Growing weary of the fight,
he left her there.
In the darkness, she panics.
He tried to guide her but she wouldn't leave.
"I like it here," she said.
So he tried and tried to get her to leave.
She insisted on staying.
Growing weary of the fight,
he left her there.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Stranger Who Stole Her
June 16, 2009
Her hand grasped his face as she pulled him in for a slow seductive kiss. She pulled away leaving the lingering sensation. He immediately attacked her for more. She stumbled backward from the force that he kissed her with. She grabbed the back of his neck as he put his arms around her back. She wanted to stop… so many question were running through her fuzzy mind. Who are you, where are you from, how old are you, why are you here…. But actions took place where words should have.
It was quiet now, the passionate noises died down as they settled in their places. A horn blared from outside… reminding her that soon she would have to step outside to face the consequences. She could feel him inhaling and the soft beats of his heart. He curled up beside her, she fell into his shape and he put his arms around her.
She draped her arm over his chest and looked up at him. He pulled her on top of him and leaned forward to kiss her. She immediately obliged and she smiled as she did so. He whispered, “You’re so irresistible…” she bit her lip seductively and put her arms around his head as she leaned down for another slow kiss.
He was sleeping; she could feel his breathing patterns and knew he was sleeping. She couldn’t seem to get comfortable enough to let sleep take her. She tried not to move so much to wake him. She was tired and ridiculously worn out. She looked over at his still figure and placed her arm across his chest and placed her hand in his. His fingers immediately found hers and she wondered how asleep he was. After fighting a battle with being comfortable, sleep finally won. Weary, she succumbed to the darkness.
“It is always hard falling asleep next to your latest conquest.” How true this statement always had been for her.
Her hand grasped his face as she pulled him in for a slow seductive kiss. She pulled away leaving the lingering sensation. He immediately attacked her for more. She stumbled backward from the force that he kissed her with. She grabbed the back of his neck as he put his arms around her back. She wanted to stop… so many question were running through her fuzzy mind. Who are you, where are you from, how old are you, why are you here…. But actions took place where words should have.
It was quiet now, the passionate noises died down as they settled in their places. A horn blared from outside… reminding her that soon she would have to step outside to face the consequences. She could feel him inhaling and the soft beats of his heart. He curled up beside her, she fell into his shape and he put his arms around her.
She draped her arm over his chest and looked up at him. He pulled her on top of him and leaned forward to kiss her. She immediately obliged and she smiled as she did so. He whispered, “You’re so irresistible…” she bit her lip seductively and put her arms around his head as she leaned down for another slow kiss.
He was sleeping; she could feel his breathing patterns and knew he was sleeping. She couldn’t seem to get comfortable enough to let sleep take her. She tried not to move so much to wake him. She was tired and ridiculously worn out. She looked over at his still figure and placed her arm across his chest and placed her hand in his. His fingers immediately found hers and she wondered how asleep he was. After fighting a battle with being comfortable, sleep finally won. Weary, she succumbed to the darkness.
“It is always hard falling asleep next to your latest conquest.” How true this statement always had been for her.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Turqouise
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The night was not chilly. She heard the murmurs of drunken dialogue. He grabbed her hand and in the midst of excitement and intoxication she laughed and grasped it. She could smell the lingering scent of masculinity. He pulled her in close and she felt his warmth. When his face closed in on her and as his lips found hers, she wrapped her arms around his neck. Familiarity. Her hand was grasping the back of his shirt and his hands were finding place on her lower back. He was tugging her body towards him and she was doing the likewise. I shouldn’t be doing this, was her first thought. Then as she was processing that thought through her now-sluggish brain, his lips moved to her neck. She gasped in shock and pleasure as his teeth grazed her skin. She no longer remembered her first thought. She pulled back as she looked around, her consciousness trying to pull her through. She remembered her surroundings for a moment. Then he grabbed her hand again and started leading her towards their destination. After hearing the drunken cat calls and slurred pick up lines, she realized she was holding his hand. I shouldn’t be doing this, was her second thought. She looked around to see no familiar face. She stopped in mid step and as she was stumbling, he recovered her and she turned in his direction. Spontaneously, she decided that she was too intoxicated to care what was going to happen. She tiptoed as her face gradually got closer to his and she bit her bottom lip seductively. He exhaled and grabbed her, his mouth attacking hers immediately. They heard the crowd shifting and they pulled away. He grabbed her before she could pull away, I love you, he drunkenly cried. She sighed and was jolted back to reality. Her mind started clearing up. His massive arms wrapped around her and pulled her to him as they started again towards their destination. I shouldn’t be doing this, was her last thought.
The night was not chilly. She heard the murmurs of drunken dialogue. He grabbed her hand and in the midst of excitement and intoxication she laughed and grasped it. She could smell the lingering scent of masculinity. He pulled her in close and she felt his warmth. When his face closed in on her and as his lips found hers, she wrapped her arms around his neck. Familiarity. Her hand was grasping the back of his shirt and his hands were finding place on her lower back. He was tugging her body towards him and she was doing the likewise. I shouldn’t be doing this, was her first thought. Then as she was processing that thought through her now-sluggish brain, his lips moved to her neck. She gasped in shock and pleasure as his teeth grazed her skin. She no longer remembered her first thought. She pulled back as she looked around, her consciousness trying to pull her through. She remembered her surroundings for a moment. Then he grabbed her hand again and started leading her towards their destination. After hearing the drunken cat calls and slurred pick up lines, she realized she was holding his hand. I shouldn’t be doing this, was her second thought. She looked around to see no familiar face. She stopped in mid step and as she was stumbling, he recovered her and she turned in his direction. Spontaneously, she decided that she was too intoxicated to care what was going to happen. She tiptoed as her face gradually got closer to his and she bit her bottom lip seductively. He exhaled and grabbed her, his mouth attacking hers immediately. They heard the crowd shifting and they pulled away. He grabbed her before she could pull away, I love you, he drunkenly cried. She sighed and was jolted back to reality. Her mind started clearing up. His massive arms wrapped around her and pulled her to him as they started again towards their destination. I shouldn’t be doing this, was her last thought.
Yellow Rose Petals
Monday, May 18, 2009
"You shimmy shook my bone, Leaving me stranded all in love on my own." -Kings of Leon
The cotton-like velvet brushed his palm as they slipped through his open fingers. As he studied the arrangement of the bright petals on his desk, he knew who had been there. Yellow roses were her obsession. She said yellow roses meant jealousy, but he was the one always jealous.
"Al." He was jolted back to reality. Beth was staring at him intently. "Al, are you ok?" she asked with concern.
"Yea." he answered shortly. "What do you want?"
Hurt flashed a moment through Beth's sad brown eyes. "Nothing, it seemed like something was bothering you."
"Nothing is bothering me." he lied smoothly. He looked again at the garden he passed. The owner had planted yellow roses.
She was laughing. She was always laughing. With a mischievous glint in her eyes, she was backing away from him. He knew what she was going to do, she was assessing oncoming traffic and she was timing herself to step off the curb at the exact time cars would be flying by. "Don't do it," he said with more pleading in his voice than he had hoped. That was what set her off, giggling she took a step off the curb. In a moment he rushed to her, pulling her resisting self back onto the sidewalk. "Why do you do that?" he asked angrily. She giggled, wrapping her arms around him. His anger immediately melted as he immediately held the warm body against his. She pulled away and started to walk away. Leaving her belongings on the sidewalk. He sighed, picked them up, and immediately started after her. It was always an ongoing chase with her. She looked back and smiled, 'It's fuckin worth it.' he thought.
Al was almost to his destination. Out of habit now, he walks Beth home. Beth wishes he would stay with her, but he claims he has things to do and must get home immediately. She lets it go every time, because she didn't want him to get annoyed. But she knew every time he would get quiet and have that look in his eyes, he was thinking about her. Jealousy and hurt was raging through her, which propelled her to ask him to stay a little longer. He replied exasperatedly, "I told you i'm busy." Beth asked timidly, "Well couldn't you do it later?" Al sighed and retorted, "You don't understand Beth." and walked away. Beth was standing outside her place, confused and hurt and immediately turned to walk inside, hiding the pool of tears rushing to her eyes.
Her eyes were brimming with tears. Sniffling she folded her arms across her chest, trying to control her sobs. He felt his heart twist with immense pain, wanting her to stop crying. He put his arm out to console her and she violently shoved it away. She was never supposed to cry. It hurt him that much more to know that he caused her this pain. The pain he felt when she left him, he instituted right back to her. He promised to never hurt her, and to love her always. But he sadly realized that he couldn't promise both. So when she walked away, he let her. It was easier to love her, without her.
His phone vibrated against the nightstand, signaling a call. He rolled over to check who it was. Beth. He sighed and answered it. "Hey."
"You shimmy shook my bone, Leaving me stranded all in love on my own." -Kings of Leon
The cotton-like velvet brushed his palm as they slipped through his open fingers. As he studied the arrangement of the bright petals on his desk, he knew who had been there. Yellow roses were her obsession. She said yellow roses meant jealousy, but he was the one always jealous.
"Al." He was jolted back to reality. Beth was staring at him intently. "Al, are you ok?" she asked with concern.
"Yea." he answered shortly. "What do you want?"
Hurt flashed a moment through Beth's sad brown eyes. "Nothing, it seemed like something was bothering you."
"Nothing is bothering me." he lied smoothly. He looked again at the garden he passed. The owner had planted yellow roses.
She was laughing. She was always laughing. With a mischievous glint in her eyes, she was backing away from him. He knew what she was going to do, she was assessing oncoming traffic and she was timing herself to step off the curb at the exact time cars would be flying by. "Don't do it," he said with more pleading in his voice than he had hoped. That was what set her off, giggling she took a step off the curb. In a moment he rushed to her, pulling her resisting self back onto the sidewalk. "Why do you do that?" he asked angrily. She giggled, wrapping her arms around him. His anger immediately melted as he immediately held the warm body against his. She pulled away and started to walk away. Leaving her belongings on the sidewalk. He sighed, picked them up, and immediately started after her. It was always an ongoing chase with her. She looked back and smiled, 'It's fuckin worth it.' he thought.
Al was almost to his destination. Out of habit now, he walks Beth home. Beth wishes he would stay with her, but he claims he has things to do and must get home immediately. She lets it go every time, because she didn't want him to get annoyed. But she knew every time he would get quiet and have that look in his eyes, he was thinking about her. Jealousy and hurt was raging through her, which propelled her to ask him to stay a little longer. He replied exasperatedly, "I told you i'm busy." Beth asked timidly, "Well couldn't you do it later?" Al sighed and retorted, "You don't understand Beth." and walked away. Beth was standing outside her place, confused and hurt and immediately turned to walk inside, hiding the pool of tears rushing to her eyes.
Her eyes were brimming with tears. Sniffling she folded her arms across her chest, trying to control her sobs. He felt his heart twist with immense pain, wanting her to stop crying. He put his arm out to console her and she violently shoved it away. She was never supposed to cry. It hurt him that much more to know that he caused her this pain. The pain he felt when she left him, he instituted right back to her. He promised to never hurt her, and to love her always. But he sadly realized that he couldn't promise both. So when she walked away, he let her. It was easier to love her, without her.
His phone vibrated against the nightstand, signaling a call. He rolled over to check who it was. Beth. He sighed and answered it. "Hey."
There is no ending
Sometime in the winter of 2007
Little droplets of diamonds sparkled as they ran down her cheeks. Why she expected anything different, she doesn't know. She took a deep, rattling breath as she tried to hold back the rush of sobs that was building up inside her. She looked into his eyes through the pool of tears that welled up in her eyes. "Why?" she asked, desperately hoping that she could hear an answer that she wanted. He avoided her gaze as he somberly answered, "It never meant anything, I thought you knew that." Her heart sank into her stomach, heavily she answered, "I thought you felt something." He sighed exasperated, "You knew what you were getting into." Her gaze became fixed on the ground where she was absentmindedly staring at the cracks. She stood up and turned away from him, "The problem is that whether you accept it or not, we will always mean something."
************ A couple weeks ago *************
She walked up to him she gave him a mischievous smile, "Sup baby?" she called out as she wrapped her arms around him lovingly. He returned her smile and playing along said, "Hey baby!" as he placed his arms around her. She took in his smell, a mixture of detergent and just his natural scent, and felt a sense of completion in his arms. A sense of safety and security. He pulled away and walked away as he was distracted by something his friend said. She felt her heart drop in disappointment. Her gaze followed his retreating figure longingly. She followed him into the room. He laid down next to his friend and she felt a twinge of jealously and a hint of being pathetic as she laid on his other side. She sighed and let herself go. She felt herself relaxing and entering a mode of nothingness when she felt a nudge on her shoulder. Exasperated, she ignored it, but knowing it was from him, her curiosity made her turn over to look at him. She saw him gazing at her and she felt a twinge in her heart. She didn't want to deal with feeling hurt so she dropped her gaze and fixed it on the hood of his jacket. But curiosity and the pull of his gaze made her look into his eyes once more. He was still gazing at her with an indescribable expression. She felt herself start to melt inside so she closed her eyes, feigning sleep. But she opened her eyes, unable to stop the connection. He was still gazing at her. So they laid there, gazing into each other's eyes. She felt as if she was falling even though she was laying on a solid surface. Finally something from their surrounding world broke their revere. He got up immediately and walked off, feigning a cool calm attitude. She, on the other hand, got up slowly and basked in an indescribably feeling.
*********** A couple hours later ************
He was in the midst of his friends. She walked over to him feeling a sense of clinginess. He looked at her and his mask went on. "What do you want?" he asked, seemingly disgusted. She simply smiled and went up to him and hugged him. She got to make herself immune to his mask. Others, however, just pitied her because they were unaware of his mask. She stayed in his seemingly reluctant embrace. What others didn't see was that he was holding her but his body blocked it off so no one else could see it. She looked into his eyes and smiled. He smiled back. Then they started observing two other people. They were laughing and holding each other. She questioned, "What is going on with them?" He answered, "I don't know. It's like us I guess." She raised her eyebrows. He paused, "Even I'm confused about us." US? He admitted there was something there? She has had numerous conversations with him concerning their relationship and he always claimed that there was nothing. But something changed his mind obviously.
************ A couple days later *********
As a routine, she knew that he would be walking by soon. However, unlike routine, she wasn't looking up searching for him. She was saddened by the idea that he knew that there was something but he wouldn't admit it. And that nothing would come out of it. He walked by, looking at her expectantly. She averted his gaze and went to talk to her friends. He stopped and, trying to pull of his confusion, he walked away. She looked at his retreating figure and she looked down immediately as she felt her eyes burn. She took a deep breath and turned away.
*********** A couple of hours after that ******
He walked up to her. She stopped, still not looking at him. He waited, "Are you mad at me?" She was quiet, then she looked up and smiled, "No. why would you think that?" and he replied, "Well, you haven't been talking to me all day." She feigned a look of questioning, "Um, its only been a couple of hours, and I didn't think I had to talk to you every single time I saw you." He raised his eyebrows, "oh whatever then." And he walked away. She paused then called out, "Hi." He stopped then turned, "Hi?" She flashed him a smile. He smiled back and went up to her. She started to pull away from the hug, when she realized that he wasn't letting go. She looked up at him. He looked into her eyes seriously. Then his face leaned in towards hers. She turned and pulled away from the hug forcefully. "Well, I have to go." And she turned to walk away. She immediately felt his arms around her. She turned back in surprise. He smiled and leaned in again, this time much faster and before she could think to react, she felt his lips press hers softly. In the split second she had for her reaction, she had a flash of memory. And at that split second, she realized that the emotion she saw in his eyes before, was longing. And with that in mind, she surrendered and kissed him back. He wrapped his arms around her passionately. When she finally pulled away, she looked down. He lifted her chin with his hand, and he kissed her lightly. She smiled at him, feeling a rush of different emotions. He picked her up and took her to a bench nearby. He sat down, pulling her on top of him. He kissed her again. She eventually broke away from the kiss and looked at him. "Why are you sad?" he asked her. "I'm not sad." she replied. "Oh you look sad." he answered. Her eyebrows creased in thought. Then she smiled and kissed him.
********* The next day *************
She felt immense heaviness of the heart as she heard the story. Her friend was just looking out for her but she hated her in this moment. She heard her heart pounding in her ears and her eyes burn as she tried to hold in her tears. She interrupted her friend, acting as if what she heard didn't bother her. "Oh whatever." She said and she walked away. Tears began racing each other down her face. She immediately wiped them off her face. She walked towards his normal hangout. He saw her expression and for a split second she saw concern dance across his face, but was immediately replaced with his mask of disgust. "Come here" she said quietly. "I'm busy." He retorted. "I need to talk to you." She answered, still quietly. He looked at her expression and his next retort was lost on his lips. "Fine whatever." He said. The minute they were alone she whirled on him. "You are a jerk. You played me. You USED me." He looked at her in surprise. "What are you talking about?" "You wanted me for ONE thing. Don't deny it." He stood quiet. His silence answered all.
Little droplets of diamonds sparkled as they ran down her cheeks. Why she expected anything different, she doesn't know. She took a deep, rattling breath as she tried to hold back the rush of sobs that was building up inside her. She looked into his eyes through the pool of tears that welled up in her eyes. "Why?" she asked, desperately hoping that she could hear an answer that she wanted. He avoided her gaze as he somberly answered, "It never meant anything, I thought you knew that." Her heart sank into her stomach, heavily she answered, "I thought you felt something." He sighed exasperated, "You knew what you were getting into." Her gaze became fixed on the ground where she was absentmindedly staring at the cracks. She stood up and turned away from him, "The problem is that whether you accept it or not, we will always mean something."
Little droplets of diamonds sparkled as they ran down her cheeks. Why she expected anything different, she doesn't know. She took a deep, rattling breath as she tried to hold back the rush of sobs that was building up inside her. She looked into his eyes through the pool of tears that welled up in her eyes. "Why?" she asked, desperately hoping that she could hear an answer that she wanted. He avoided her gaze as he somberly answered, "It never meant anything, I thought you knew that." Her heart sank into her stomach, heavily she answered, "I thought you felt something." He sighed exasperated, "You knew what you were getting into." Her gaze became fixed on the ground where she was absentmindedly staring at the cracks. She stood up and turned away from him, "The problem is that whether you accept it or not, we will always mean something."
************ A couple weeks ago *************
She walked up to him she gave him a mischievous smile, "Sup baby?" she called out as she wrapped her arms around him lovingly. He returned her smile and playing along said, "Hey baby!" as he placed his arms around her. She took in his smell, a mixture of detergent and just his natural scent, and felt a sense of completion in his arms. A sense of safety and security. He pulled away and walked away as he was distracted by something his friend said. She felt her heart drop in disappointment. Her gaze followed his retreating figure longingly. She followed him into the room. He laid down next to his friend and she felt a twinge of jealously and a hint of being pathetic as she laid on his other side. She sighed and let herself go. She felt herself relaxing and entering a mode of nothingness when she felt a nudge on her shoulder. Exasperated, she ignored it, but knowing it was from him, her curiosity made her turn over to look at him. She saw him gazing at her and she felt a twinge in her heart. She didn't want to deal with feeling hurt so she dropped her gaze and fixed it on the hood of his jacket. But curiosity and the pull of his gaze made her look into his eyes once more. He was still gazing at her with an indescribable expression. She felt herself start to melt inside so she closed her eyes, feigning sleep. But she opened her eyes, unable to stop the connection. He was still gazing at her. So they laid there, gazing into each other's eyes. She felt as if she was falling even though she was laying on a solid surface. Finally something from their surrounding world broke their revere. He got up immediately and walked off, feigning a cool calm attitude. She, on the other hand, got up slowly and basked in an indescribably feeling.
*********** A couple hours later ************
He was in the midst of his friends. She walked over to him feeling a sense of clinginess. He looked at her and his mask went on. "What do you want?" he asked, seemingly disgusted. She simply smiled and went up to him and hugged him. She got to make herself immune to his mask. Others, however, just pitied her because they were unaware of his mask. She stayed in his seemingly reluctant embrace. What others didn't see was that he was holding her but his body blocked it off so no one else could see it. She looked into his eyes and smiled. He smiled back. Then they started observing two other people. They were laughing and holding each other. She questioned, "What is going on with them?" He answered, "I don't know. It's like us I guess." She raised her eyebrows. He paused, "Even I'm confused about us." US? He admitted there was something there? She has had numerous conversations with him concerning their relationship and he always claimed that there was nothing. But something changed his mind obviously.
************ A couple days later *********
As a routine, she knew that he would be walking by soon. However, unlike routine, she wasn't looking up searching for him. She was saddened by the idea that he knew that there was something but he wouldn't admit it. And that nothing would come out of it. He walked by, looking at her expectantly. She averted his gaze and went to talk to her friends. He stopped and, trying to pull of his confusion, he walked away. She looked at his retreating figure and she looked down immediately as she felt her eyes burn. She took a deep breath and turned away.
*********** A couple of hours after that ******
He walked up to her. She stopped, still not looking at him. He waited, "Are you mad at me?" She was quiet, then she looked up and smiled, "No. why would you think that?" and he replied, "Well, you haven't been talking to me all day." She feigned a look of questioning, "Um, its only been a couple of hours, and I didn't think I had to talk to you every single time I saw you." He raised his eyebrows, "oh whatever then." And he walked away. She paused then called out, "Hi." He stopped then turned, "Hi?" She flashed him a smile. He smiled back and went up to her. She started to pull away from the hug, when she realized that he wasn't letting go. She looked up at him. He looked into her eyes seriously. Then his face leaned in towards hers. She turned and pulled away from the hug forcefully. "Well, I have to go." And she turned to walk away. She immediately felt his arms around her. She turned back in surprise. He smiled and leaned in again, this time much faster and before she could think to react, she felt his lips press hers softly. In the split second she had for her reaction, she had a flash of memory. And at that split second, she realized that the emotion she saw in his eyes before, was longing. And with that in mind, she surrendered and kissed him back. He wrapped his arms around her passionately. When she finally pulled away, she looked down. He lifted her chin with his hand, and he kissed her lightly. She smiled at him, feeling a rush of different emotions. He picked her up and took her to a bench nearby. He sat down, pulling her on top of him. He kissed her again. She eventually broke away from the kiss and looked at him. "Why are you sad?" he asked her. "I'm not sad." she replied. "Oh you look sad." he answered. Her eyebrows creased in thought. Then she smiled and kissed him.
********* The next day *************
She felt immense heaviness of the heart as she heard the story. Her friend was just looking out for her but she hated her in this moment. She heard her heart pounding in her ears and her eyes burn as she tried to hold in her tears. She interrupted her friend, acting as if what she heard didn't bother her. "Oh whatever." She said and she walked away. Tears began racing each other down her face. She immediately wiped them off her face. She walked towards his normal hangout. He saw her expression and for a split second she saw concern dance across his face, but was immediately replaced with his mask of disgust. "Come here" she said quietly. "I'm busy." He retorted. "I need to talk to you." She answered, still quietly. He looked at her expression and his next retort was lost on his lips. "Fine whatever." He said. The minute they were alone she whirled on him. "You are a jerk. You played me. You USED me." He looked at her in surprise. "What are you talking about?" "You wanted me for ONE thing. Don't deny it." He stood quiet. His silence answered all.
Little droplets of diamonds sparkled as they ran down her cheeks. Why she expected anything different, she doesn't know. She took a deep, rattling breath as she tried to hold back the rush of sobs that was building up inside her. She looked into his eyes through the pool of tears that welled up in her eyes. "Why?" she asked, desperately hoping that she could hear an answer that she wanted. He avoided her gaze as he somberly answered, "It never meant anything, I thought you knew that." Her heart sank into her stomach, heavily she answered, "I thought you felt something." He sighed exasperated, "You knew what you were getting into." Her gaze became fixed on the ground where she was absentmindedly staring at the cracks. She stood up and turned away from him, "The problem is that whether you accept it or not, we will always mean something."
The Photograph
Sunday, November 02, 2008
As I think about the changes that have partaken my life in the last couple of years, I can only wonder who I will become. I used to be such an ignorant rebel. And now I'm a weary young adult. Although I cannot say that I have learned everything I need to know, I can say that what I have learned has helped me make decisions in my life that will be the best sorts of decision that I can ever make. There is only one story that is important now.
I gaze at the picture that, at the time, was carelessly placed into this frame. He is standing behind me. He has his arms around me and staring at my hands placed over his, I can almost feel his hands on my stomach. Then I study the picture some more and I could feel my back against his chest, and the cool feeling of the material of his attire. And lastly I can feel how my body fit so perfectly with his, and I close my eyes and cherish that feeling.
But it's gone now, the feeling never lasts. It's like my memory will give me a taste of it and then takes it back, make me long for more. And I'm to blame, for it was I who ended it. But it was done with the thought in my mind that I was doing the right thing. Do I feel regret? Every single moment, everyday. But as I recall my new memory of him without me and with someone else, I let the pain from that image take place of the regret I feel and I walk away.
Do you ever appreciate what you have when you have it? As I steal another long glance at this picture, I see something that I have missed, his right arms is against my side. And for the life of me, I cannot remember how that feels. And the tears flow as I wish to go back to that day and feel his arms around me and cherish it. How I didn't know that it was all coming to an end…
I think of how his fingers interlocked hers and how perfect it looked to an outside observer. I wonder if people ever looked at us that way. She looks up to him and smiles. And I see him take in that smile and give her one back. I never had that. Because I never wanted him to know how I felt about him. I still don't I guess, seeing I hide my feelings behind my own mask. I knew what she was doing, she was showing me that he is hers now. And how right she was…
As I gaze at the picture again, I remember the texture of my dress. And a little more memory surges back. How the glitter from my dress got all over him and I giggled. How the glitter from the flowers were ridiculous and that ended up all over us too. And gazing at the picture, I realize how if I was taking that picture again, I would want to lean my head on him. In the picture, my head is pulled away from him. Another sign that I was trying to pull away from the whole relationship.
I wonder how much he thinks about me. I wonder if he still loves me. And then I don't want to know. I just want one last kiss. To be held one last time. And to have him gaze at me with love in his eyes, just one last time… and I'll appreciate and cherish it…
As I think about the changes that have partaken my life in the last couple of years, I can only wonder who I will become. I used to be such an ignorant rebel. And now I'm a weary young adult. Although I cannot say that I have learned everything I need to know, I can say that what I have learned has helped me make decisions in my life that will be the best sorts of decision that I can ever make. There is only one story that is important now.
I gaze at the picture that, at the time, was carelessly placed into this frame. He is standing behind me. He has his arms around me and staring at my hands placed over his, I can almost feel his hands on my stomach. Then I study the picture some more and I could feel my back against his chest, and the cool feeling of the material of his attire. And lastly I can feel how my body fit so perfectly with his, and I close my eyes and cherish that feeling.
But it's gone now, the feeling never lasts. It's like my memory will give me a taste of it and then takes it back, make me long for more. And I'm to blame, for it was I who ended it. But it was done with the thought in my mind that I was doing the right thing. Do I feel regret? Every single moment, everyday. But as I recall my new memory of him without me and with someone else, I let the pain from that image take place of the regret I feel and I walk away.
Do you ever appreciate what you have when you have it? As I steal another long glance at this picture, I see something that I have missed, his right arms is against my side. And for the life of me, I cannot remember how that feels. And the tears flow as I wish to go back to that day and feel his arms around me and cherish it. How I didn't know that it was all coming to an end…
I think of how his fingers interlocked hers and how perfect it looked to an outside observer. I wonder if people ever looked at us that way. She looks up to him and smiles. And I see him take in that smile and give her one back. I never had that. Because I never wanted him to know how I felt about him. I still don't I guess, seeing I hide my feelings behind my own mask. I knew what she was doing, she was showing me that he is hers now. And how right she was…
As I gaze at the picture again, I remember the texture of my dress. And a little more memory surges back. How the glitter from my dress got all over him and I giggled. How the glitter from the flowers were ridiculous and that ended up all over us too. And gazing at the picture, I realize how if I was taking that picture again, I would want to lean my head on him. In the picture, my head is pulled away from him. Another sign that I was trying to pull away from the whole relationship.
I wonder how much he thinks about me. I wonder if he still loves me. And then I don't want to know. I just want one last kiss. To be held one last time. And to have him gaze at me with love in his eyes, just one last time… and I'll appreciate and cherish it…
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