January 16, 2009

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Driving around in the dark quiet night, something urged me to take a right at the next street. As I was passing the house I was so accustomed to go to everyday after school my junior year, I saw the memory of the girl I used to be. I could remember it clearly, the bright sunny day poking through the holes in the immense trees that surrounded the area. And the anticipation of what was to come and the feeling of loneliness as I would be leaving. I drove on out of there and I decided to pass another place with fond memories, so I pull into the almost invisible street. And I remember the days where I felt as if all the problems of the world seemed unimportant as long as the arms that were around me then would never leave. Right at that moment, my phone buzzes. I look at the name and laugh out loud at the sudden coincidence that it would be him. I talk to him while I continue driving, and I ask to see him. I wanted to know what happened to that girl that wasn’t afraid of the world. Where did she go and why did she leave? So I drive along the streets where lights were too bright at night and places were over crowded. The social contrast was so evident that it hurt to see it. I felt pity rise from the pit of my stomach and I closed my eyes shut to hold it back. He is outside and looks like every other stranger on this street and felt another jab in my heart when I remembered how hard I tried to fit him into my life and how I didn’t understand how he never belonged. He got into my car and I parked in some illegal way as he assured me no one checks the parking in these areas anyways. I hear the people outside yelling incomprehensibly in Spanish to each other. It seemed so cliché, I heard the distance horn in the background, the dogs barking from the next street over. It was like the Hollywood version of the hood. I took a deep breath and I looked at him. He was telling me about his girlfriend, and how he knows she’s lying to him but he can’t say anything because he’s done worse. I stayed quiet for the first time and listened. I started talking, and he said something that stopped me. He said, “I can see the hurt in your eyes.” I chose to ignore this and I kept talking, he then said, “I can hear it in your voice. I’m like half expecting tears because I hear the sadness in your voice.” And I realized that he always knew. He was the only one that could read me. The only one who bothered to look beneath to find me. Then the song came on and we turned quiet. He sighed and I could tell the lyrics were just too close. He looked at me, in the darkness and the look he gave me was the same he used to give me. He quietly asked, “What happened to us?” and I replied, “I don’t know.” And a lone tear slid down my cheek. He put his hand on my knee comfortingly, “Please, don’t cry.” And I angrily brushed it away. I wiped my tear away with frustration and my eyes betrayed me and another tear fell slowly. I was avoiding his eyes and I looked up to see him with a controlled expression on his face. “You made me promise,” he said. And I nodded, fully understanding. He leaned back away from me. Then he broke his promise and said, “You’re such a good person, I wish you could see it.” I started to argue, but he stopped me by telling me, “You choose the bad way because it’s easier.” I said, “It’s not that. I am a bad person and I constantly choose the bad way because I WANT to. You know me better than anyone, you know I don’t have good intentions. I’m not a good person.” “You were good for me.” Silence and darkness filled inside the car.
As I’m driving away, I realized I always get my way with him, which is why he avoids me so much. He is tired of being unfaithful. But as much as he is, he wants me there too. The night is quiet and I speed down the empty street, half wanting to let go of the steering wheel to see what my course would be. But then I think of my nice car and decide against it. My eyes are heavy because of the time. I race down the familiar street and I pull into my driveway. I shut the engine off and I lean my forehead against the steering wheel. The only reason he fell in love with me was because he thought I was perfection. The only reason I stayed was because I knew I wasn’t. We were too different. Age, race, culture, social status, intellectual level, and experience. I guess I could be classified as the perfect little rich girl who had plans and a future. And he was the poor boy with the cute face that was from the bad side of town that didn’t know what was happening tomorrow. Of course there was more to the story than that. I had two kinds of relationships with boys, a relationship that would end badly and leave me hurt and wanting them, or a fling that means nothing to me and everything to them. He was supposed to be a fling. He started off as a fling. But then the time we were together stretched out longer. And I became addicted to the way he loved me unconditionally. Slowly, I never realized, I started becoming a better person. The way I perceived the world and the decisions I made. And finally I realized what I was doing to him. I made him run to me every time I needed him. I made him do everything for me. And he wanted to, he chose to. Finally I told him, “Be with someone who can appreciate your love, someone who deserves it.” and he had argued, “I CHOOSE to love you. I don’t care if you think you don’t deserve it or if you don’t appreciate it.” I take a deep breath and know that I made the right decision. If I could change anything about the past, I would never have met him. Then he wouldn’t be broken.